Everything is a big decision for me. It’s just something going on that I don’t understand myself. As a result, doubt has followed me since school began. As a student athlete, I deal with everyday homework, high school drama, family life, long practices, and everything else. I feel like everyone expects so much of me that it gets to be a bit much. That is when my negative feelings kicked in. Feelings of frustration and uselessness have haunted me.
I don’t know if it’s just me, but I feel overwhelmed and terrible. If I had to compare my life to something, I would say I’m drowning in poison. Why? I focus on my lovely sports, water polo and swimming, more than academics. I absolutely adore the game and play as hard as I can. I just can’t help it; I fell in love with the sport. Problem is, I’m too exhausted to get any work done after the game or practice is over. Because of this, I start to put myself down in everything I do and place a bigger weight on my shoulders. As much as I fight with this bad side of me, I almost never win. It finds its way back to me.
To be honest with myself and everyone, I’m scared. Am I able to do swimming this year? Is it just me who feels this way? Is sophomore year getting to be too much for me? Should I forget sports altogether and focus on my studies? These are the types of questions that send chills of fear down my spine and give me goose bumps. Sports have become a part of me. At the same time, I want to do well in school. I need to answer these questions, but I’m afraid of the answer. I don’t want to keep crying or just quit, but at the same time, I want an escape from everything. I want to relax for once. I want to be free.